Chemo update-Week 14—Treatment #9
The good news in week 14 was that the doctor
confirmed the initial evaluation from the colonoscopy that the bleeding was the
result of hemorrhoids & not the return of cancer so my wife could resume treatment.
The bad news is that Angela had reached
her limit so the question she posed to the doctor during her most recent visit
was “What if I elect to stop treatment?” The obvious answer was that the odds of
cancer returning in some form would be significantly increased. While my wife yearns to return to her active
lifestyle which includes a job that she loves she understood that the only path
forward would be to resume treatment.
A new learning that was brought forth from her
most recent treatment was that the routine of three treatments included a very
thorough blood test during week four.
This test is used as an indicator of how well her body is responding to
treatment. Unbeknownst to me each of her
three previous tests revealed progress or at the very least stability so no
changes had to be made to the concentration of the medicines or the frequency
of the injections. Again this was
excellent news. The only bad news over
the last few days was that Angela contracted a severe upper respiratory infection
which I consider to be an attempt by the cancer to knock her down but once
again she is standing tall & punching back without so much as a stumble. This is a very strong willed woman who in the
end will get what she wants out of life.
As for me-----As a child I watched my share of “The
Brady Bunch”, “Leave it to Beaver” & even “My Three Sons”. The actions, reactions, and state of mind
depicted into the role of father on these shows is what I use as a measuring
stick to gauge my performance as a father/husband. Channeling
feelings into the appropriate emotion & reaction continues to be a major
challenge for me. In my prayers to God I
ask for strength for my wife, my kids & myself as well as the ability to channel
my energy into the right emotion. Managing
pain & her own thoughts are what I consider to be my wife’s biggest challenges
with the third being her belief that I will not be there to support her. In my heart & in my soul I will support
my wife through this challenge & beyond but it hurts me to admit that there
are times I make mistakes and do not demonstrate these feelings. My actions represent my love for her but my
words are not always a direct reflection of how much I care for & love my
wife. Knowing the pain my wife
experiences daily I feel guilty to even share how much of an internal struggle
this has been for me as an individual.
As a man I have never felt so helpless or useless or ineffective as I
have over the last few months. I could
have made better decisions, been a better role model for my kids, tried hard to
demonstrate my love for my wife. I pray
to God every day that I will do better, try harder and be more effective as a
mode of support.
There is not path that lead in any other
direction than forward so no matter the challenge we will achieve the ultimate
finish which is life. I love you Angela
& I will always be your rock &
support you till the end. On to week 15
& treatment #10.
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