As I sit here this morning I can’t help but think about the words spoken by my wife the night before. “Nobody cares if I die”. “You don’t kiss me anymore”. “I just want to live my life again”. “You don’t know what it feels like to have cancer”. “This is not about Dave”. I’m writing these phrases as a way to convince myself that I listen & also as a way to have a reference to return later and later and later as a reminder of the thoughts of my wife. The questions, the thoughts , the feelings are uncomfortable when I try to digest everything as a whole.
When our lives were good I would have never thought that our family would be able to manage under these circumstance & at first it was hard however we’ve learned to adapt. It seems that I place barriers around what I can and cannot accept & if a thought or a comment exceeds a barrier I’m not able to accept. I can accept that my wife is ill. I can accept that I need to step it up to support her & our family. I can accept that we cannot do things that we would normally do. I cannot however accept any thought that there would be a circumstance that would put me in a place where I would not love my wife or that she would not be missed or that I do not have compassion for her. So what is left is who is this about Dave or Angela? To me that is a very silly question because it is obviously about Angela. It makes me sad, embarrassed & shameful that my wife would believe that I would put myself before her. Yes I write, I talk & I express my feeling but it is only because I have to have an outlet and not because I want sympathy or attention.
Her questions & comments are legitimate in her mind but outrageous in mine. My wife is the most important person in my life & truth be told I would take her place in a moment’s notice. Our roles are set by God for a reason the most likely of which is that my wife is stronger & therefore better equipped to manage all that is associated with this disease. I’m a part of this because God knows I can do it & I won’t give up until she is well again.
As we move forward I will pay more attention to the smaller things that are obviously important to her and should be to me. I will kiss her often & listen more intently as a way to share her pain. While I say “I love you” often I’m obviously not translating those words into actions so I need to do a better job.
The completion of treatment 12 is a milestone in that it means we only have two more cycles until we move to the next phase. Having some daylight at the end of this long tunnel may allow us to begin planning ahead. Possibly a trip or just some family time together so we can reestablish what we once had. It is a scary road ahead with the knowledge that it is still a long journey however once we get through chemotherapy her strength will return giving her more energy & more will to battle. It’s been 16 weeks of a hard battle out of which she has received some significant wounds however she is still on top and ultimately she will win. Love you my sweet Angela!