As I sit here this morning I can’t help but think
about the words spoken by my wife the night before. “Nobody cares if I die”. “You don’t kiss me anymore”. “I just want to live my life again”. “You don’t know what it feels like to have
cancer”. “This is not about Dave”. I’m
writing these phrases as a way to convince myself that I listen & also as a
way to have a reference to return later and later and later as a reminder of
the thoughts of my wife. The questions,
the thoughts , the feelings are uncomfortable when I try to digest everything
as a whole.
When our lives were good I would have never thought
that our family would be able to manage under these circumstance & at first
it was hard however we’ve learned to adapt.
It seems that I place barriers around what I can and cannot accept &
if a thought or a comment exceeds a barrier I’m not able to accept. I can accept that my wife is ill. I can accept that I need to step it up to
support her & our family. I can
accept that we cannot do things that we would normally do. I cannot however accept any thought that
there would be a circumstance that would put me in a place where I would not
love my wife or that she would not be missed or that I do not have compassion
for her. So what is left is who is this
about Dave or Angela? To me that is a
very silly question because it is obviously about Angela. It makes me sad, embarrassed & shameful
that my wife would believe that I would put myself before her. Yes I write, I talk & I express my
feeling but it is only because I have to have an outlet and not because I want sympathy
or attention.
Her questions & comments are legitimate in her
mind but outrageous in mine. My wife is
the most important person in my life & truth be told I would take her place
in a moment’s notice. Our roles are set
by God for a reason the most likely of which is that my wife is stronger &
therefore better equipped to manage all that is associated with this
disease. I’m a part of this because God
knows I can do it & I won’t give up until she is well again.
As we move forward I will pay more attention to the
smaller things that are obviously important to her and should be to me. I will kiss her often & listen more intently
as a way to share her pain. While I say
“I love you” often I’m obviously not translating those words into actions so I
need to do a better job.
The completion of treatment 12 is a milestone in
that it means we only have two more cycles until we move to the next phase. Having some daylight at the end of this long
tunnel may allow us to begin planning ahead. Possibly a trip or just some
family time together so we can reestablish what we once had. It is a scary road ahead with the knowledge
that it is still a long journey however once we get through chemotherapy her strength
will return giving her more energy & more will to battle. It’s been 16 weeks of a hard battle out of
which she has received some significant wounds however she is still on top and
ultimately she will win. Love you my
sweet Angela!
No comments:
Post a Comment