Chemo update-Week 14—Treatment #9
The good news in week 14 was that the doctor confirmed the initial evaluation from the colonoscopy that the bleeding was the result of hemorrhoids & not the return of cancer so my wife could resume treatment. The bad news is that Angela had reached her limit so the question she posed to the doctor during her most recent visit was “What if I elect to stop treatment?” The obvious answer was that the odds of cancer returning in some form would be significantly increased. While my wife yearns to return to her active lifestyle which includes a job that she loves she understood that the only path forward would be to resume treatment.
A new learning that was brought forth from her most recent treatment was that the routine of three treatments included a very thorough blood test during week four. This test is used as an indicator of how well her body is responding to treatment. Unbeknownst to me each of her three previous tests revealed progress or at the very least stability so no changes had to be made to the concentration of the medicines or the frequency of the injections. Again this was excellent news. The only bad news over the last few days was that Angela contracted a severe upper respiratory infection which I consider to be an attempt by the cancer to knock her down but once again she is standing tall & punching back without so much as a stumble. This is a very strong willed woman who in the end will get what she wants out of life.
As for me-----As a child I watched my share of “The Brady Bunch”, “Leave it to Beaver” & even “My Three Sons”. The actions, reactions, and state of mind depicted into the role of father on these shows is what I use as a measuring stick to gauge my performance as a father/husband. Channeling feelings into the appropriate emotion & reaction continues to be a major challenge for me. In my prayers to God I ask for strength for my wife, my kids & myself as well as the ability to channel my energy into the right emotion. Managing pain & her own thoughts are what I consider to be my wife’s biggest challenges with the third being her belief that I will not be there to support her. In my heart & in my soul I will support my wife through this challenge & beyond but it hurts me to admit that there are times I make mistakes and do not demonstrate these feelings. My actions represent my love for her but my words are not always a direct reflection of how much I care for & love my wife. Knowing the pain my wife experiences daily I feel guilty to even share how much of an internal struggle this has been for me as an individual. As a man I have never felt so helpless or useless or ineffective as I have over the last few months. I could have made better decisions, been a better role model for my kids, tried hard to demonstrate my love for my wife. I pray to God every day that I will do better, try harder and be more effective as a mode of support.
There is not path that lead in any other direction than forward so no matter the challenge we will achieve the ultimate finish which is life. I love you Angela & I will always be your rock & support you till the end. On to week 15 & treatment #10.